• Victor Schukov

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Licence plates say a lot about a province

posted by Victor Schukov at 16h44

The licence plate of Quebec used to say La Belle Province, until the Parti Quebecpourquoi got in, in 1976, and shortly afterward, in a frenzy to remove the provincial connotation, changed it to Je me souviens, which most people think means something like, “I’m not going to forget how you waspy cheeses took all of the good jobs and splattered your language all over our walls, so now we’re going the other way and do it to you. So there!”

With the civilized Liberal party in place, we should change the provincial licence plate text before Pauline’s perilous Goths reacquire power down the road.

I don’t know why we can’t have a nice sweet saying like we used to. La Belle Province was classy. Look at the other provinces’ politically-neutral slogans:

BC: Beautiful British Columbia; succinct and flattering like the old Quebec plate.

Alberta: Wild Rose Country; more colourful, while still extolling beauty.

Saskatchewan: Land of Living Skies; my choice would be Saskatchewan, Why the Hell Would You Live There?

Manitoba: Friendly Manitoba; warm and welcoming.

Ontario: Yours to Discover; inviting and all-inclusive to locals and visitors alike.

New Brunswick: New/Nouveau Brunswick; bilingually liberating, equitable to citizens, if that was allowed in Quebec, the English would have to be half the size.

Nova Scotia: Canada’s Playground; makes me think of one for Quebec, Canada’s Pain in the Ass.

PEI: Previously, Birthplace of Confederation; makes me think of another one for Quebec, Dying Place of Confederation. Today’s slogan is Confederation Bridge, which makes me think of yet another possible Quebec slogan; Shakiest Overpasses in the World.

Newfoundland and Labrador: A World of Difference; kind of a nebulous phrase, maybe better worded like, A Big Rock With Lots of Newfies on It And Now That We Have Oil We Don’t Need Canada Anymore. (A Nfld plate would then be as long as a bumper.)

Northwest Territories and Nunavut: Explore Canada’s Arctic, nice but I would add one word: Why? (You know why no one outside of the NWT has ever seen this plate? Because up north they can’t get their cars started at minus 80 degrees C.)

So I believe that Quebec presently has the ugliest licence plate saying, because of the usual political tampering by the Neanderthal PQ party.

Here are some of my suggestions, for – let’s face it – anything would be better than that bitter, complaining anachronism:

We can go back and crop the old La Belle Province plate and simply say La Belle or tighten it up to the name of that sexy female group Labelle that sang Voulez-vous Couchez Avec Moi? Or better still, use the name of the song as our liberating tag.

Or something historically famous: Vive le Quebec Libre

Something fiscal: Hey Ottawa! Show Me the money!

Realistic: Life Support System for Hydro-Quebec and Bombardier

Rallying: Give Me My Potholes or Give Me Death!

Homey: Land of Poutine, Tortieres and the Pope’s Nose

Sporty: Go, Habs! Go!

In-your-face: Ha! Ha! We Have the Notwithstanding Clause

Inviting to immigrants: Reasonable Accommodation Found Here

Geographically invasive: Quebec AND Labrador

 Artistic: We Make Better Movies Than the Rest of Canada Put Together

 Sarcastic: Quebec: Gateway To The 401

And if no changes are forthcoming - not one to waste an opportunity to harp on what gaols me - how about a decal that goes over Je me souviens and says, The West Island: Where’s My Métro Station?